After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
