come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
