We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
