You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Life is so much better after having sex.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
