my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
