and she was petting her beer can
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
