apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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