I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
