Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
