so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
