season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Vodka?
Forever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
