It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
