Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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