She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
