I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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