I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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