I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
