so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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