Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
