Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
