Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
