theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
