i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
