Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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