508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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