My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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