WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
