idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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