I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
