I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
