He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
