When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
