The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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