I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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