that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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