I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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