I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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