Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
