This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
