My Higher Power is John Stamos
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
