That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
