So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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