I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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