Your mouth is God's brothel.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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