the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
