On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
