so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
