Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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