She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
