I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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