so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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