i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
