he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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